Tuesday, May 31, 2011


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Webster defines this as giving or exchanging information and a way to share a meaningful relationship. It is an important tool to any successful sexual relationship. One can have all the sex toys in the world, all the lotions, and all the sex manuals to expand their sexual activities, but if you cannot talk about them with your partner, what good are they? It is wonderful that you may want to attempt new positions or new techniques, but if you are not able to convey to your partner how good they feel, or to ask if they feel good, then what you will find is frustration and disappointment.

How is it we find it easy to share a dirty sexual joke or to discuss who is sleeping with Sally the Head Cashier, but when it comes to chatting in the bedroom with someone we love and trust, many of us freeze up? We live in a sexual society where we are almost daily bombarded with sexual images or references through advertisements and the media. However, when it comes to our own relationships, the struggle begins. We feel vulnerable and might worry how our partner might react to what we want to share. We wonder will they reject what we are feeling, or what we might want to try.

Why are we in general so repressed when it comes to the sexual dialogue? Our personal histories are a major reason. Did we grow up in a house where sex was considered dirty and the last thing we had better be caught talking about? What has been our experience with others and past relationships? One might have had a traumatic experience that now thwarts a good dialogue, if any. We all bring a certain comfort level to a relationship, any relationship. Another factor is our own knowledge of sex. How was our sexual education? Did we just get the basics, or do we really know what it takes to pleasure our partners? Do we worry that we have gotten the wrong information and now may look dumb in discussing or performing something with a partner? Certainly, our beliefs play a part. What do we think is morally right regarding sex? How far do we go in sharing our fantasies? A woman might fantasize about a sexual encounter with another woman, but if she shares, will her partner immediately assume she has lesbian traits? When we deny our partners and ourselves the piece of us that depicts our sexual desires, we in fact rob ourselves in the end. Think of it as a self-censorship of sorts. The goal should be to be as open as possible with our partners thus allowing them a real look at who we are sexually.

One of the biggest reasons we do not communicate is fear. We worry about being rejected or embarrassed when we reveal ourselves. Will we look ignorant, stupid? Our egos are put on the line, and we want to avoid being hurt at any cost. However, the cost is many times our own sexual satisfaction. We also tend to resist change, especially when we think our suggestion might be interpreted as rejection. For example, you wish to try light bondage, explaining to your partner that it will turn you on to have him tie your wrists with silk scarves. He might jump to the conclusion that all previous methods to arouse you did not work, or please you. Perfectly innocent suggestions can be viewed as dissatisfaction with your partner. Not to mention scare the hell out of some. You say silk scarves, and he thinks Shit she is going to tie me up, and god knows what.

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Another problem or concern that hinders in our communicating with a partner, is the terms we use. People struggle with some of the sexual terms, and how to tell their lovers what they want from them. For example, what is liable to turn a person on more, as well as communicate what you want? Honey please place your fingers in my vagina or Im so wet. Pump me with your fingers and make me cum. If you guessed the second, you are off to a good start!! We need to tell our partners what we want, as well as what we might expect. Sometimes learning to say them aloud helps. IF you can say them aloud to yourself, it will eventually become easier to say them to or in front of your partner. When you masturbate, try imagining the words you would like to hear or use which would heighten your own sexual arousal. If possible, call one another on the phone and share sexual conversations. Little by little bring the sex talk into the bedroom, and then expand new horizons!

So you have recognized you want to improve sexual communication, now what? Keep in mind it is typically easier for women to communicate, as women are more accustomed to discussing their feelings. Also important to note is the fact that unless your partner is a mind reader, you need to open your mouth. One of the common mistakes couples make is the presumption that we know each other instinctively. It does not work that way.

One of the best places to share what is on your mind, of course, is the bedroom (or where ever your lovemaking occurs the most). It is here you can make the biggest difference. For example, your partner is stroking your clitoris, and you moan. Should they assume the moans are of pleasure or pain? Perhaps they are not touching the right spot? How do you let them know? You could redirect their hand (fingers) or you could simply say to the left more. Either way, he or she now knows what exactly it takes to get you there, and you have accomplished this without making them feel inadequate in their love making techniques. Non-verbal clues can be confusing for some partners, so you may have to add some wording along with the moaning.

Remember to validate and reassure your partner whenever you can. It is nice to know they have made a difference, and it will no doubt promote a repeat performance. Do not be afraid to discuss the last time you made love. It helps to move things in the right direction. I loved it when you tied my wrists to the bedposts. Can we do that again? It validates the last sexual encounter and lets your partner know it really turned you on. Be careful not to say things like, I loved it when you took me from behind. It feels so much better than anything you ever did before. You make a point, but at what expense?

Be specific. The situation that comes to mind is the woman who is terrified her partner might find going down on her distasteful. Instead of saying something like, Oral sex is so gross, try Im afraid to try oral sex because you might think I dont taste good. It is also important that YOU recognize why you find oral sex so gross. If you do not accept the activity as one you would enjoy, than this feeling is easily conveyed to your partner. Together you need to find what works and what does not, what is comfortable, and what is not. Mutual pleasure starts with mutual communication.

Do not be afraid to ask your partner things like does it feel better when I stroke harder? Do not guess. Guessing leads you nowhere.

The benefits of good sexual communication cannot be overstated. Whether it is a new relationship or an old one, we all benefit. Talking about sex enables us to break old patterns, eliminate archaic attitudes, and explore the many sides to our sexual selves. Talking about sex should occur before, during and after sexual intimacy. Communication is key to a successful long-term relationship and is one of the hallmarks of a healthy, consensual and pleasurable sexual relationship.

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